Monday, February 23, 2015

A Whole Novel of Feelings

I don't consider myself a "top model." I know a lot of models with smaller rooms who do 10x better than I do. I don't measure my success in comparison to others. I measure it in comparison to the dreams and goals I want to achieve.  I'm not "successful" because of crazy conspiracies any of you have imagined. I didn't step on people to get to the "top." I've never token traded. I don't fly out and sleep with sugar daddies. I don't lie, scam, steal, or lead people on.

I earn what I need to pay my bills and experience life before I die. I take care of my mom and dad and provide a loving home for my pets. Who is going to take care of me for the rest of my life? All I have is myself regardless of the two loving people in my life. The only person who can ensure your future is you. I want to travel and have nice things. Everyone does.

Am I into camming for the money? Are you into your job for the money? I enjoy what I do and the friendships I've made are very real. I'm tired of people guilting and shaming cam models into believing that working for the money is bad. I don't beg, demand, or guilt anyone into giving me anything. Shame on you if you do, but many of us don't.

There are days I log in just to say hi with no intention of earning anything. There are two weeks in a pay period. At some point I have to earn something to pay the bills but it doesn't have to be every single day. I'd like to consider myself some form of a nude waitress. I provide the best service I can to make the most tips. It's my goal to make you as happy as possible so I can walk away with what I need. I "waitress" for the money but I love the majority of my customers dearly and meet the most incredible people. Money doesn't make any of it less real.

I live my life 24/7 as a product right now. Lingerie? That's just a new wrapper designed to catch the eye of a different market pool. But it's not that simple. You can't be 100% product. You have to balance in who you really are. Your own interests and feelings. You have to establish a very fine line between business and personal life.

I'm not a celebrity but I live in the eyes of thousands of people every day. I see everything they say and I can't decide if I'm numb or broken anymore. I pity celebrities. I relate to being an animal at a petting zoo. I never get to go home at the end of the day. I often wonder if I've been Blaze all along and that maybe it took camming for me to realize I'm a happy confident person. Perhaps camming created Blaze though. Maybe I was meant to be a shy and conservative person. I live in a constant battle between two opposite personas.

So where is the positive in all this? Every day my job is to make someone's day better. I'm a strong person and often describe myself as a sponge. Do you feel like shit? Give your feelings to me. I'll soak them up and wring them out. It beats me up, but it's worth it. I genuinely enjoy making people happy.

My brain is a muddled mess. I experience the worst of the world every 5 minutes. Kill yourself camwhore. I bet your daddy touched you and that's why you're worthless. How could anyone ever love a slut like you? I'll jack off to you anyday but I'd never be with someone like you.
But I'm beautiful. All these ugly things are from ugly people. My heart is pure. My heart is full of love and understanding. Even for those who refuse to open their minds. When I take my clothes off, I shed myself of any brand or social status. I don't have a Michael Kors purse on my arm. I'm not wearing tattered clothing. I'm a simple human being and I connect on a very real level with thousands of others just like myself.

We share simple and primal moments together where there is no shame. I can carry on a casual conversation while rubbing my tits. People tell me, "They don't really care about you. You're nothing to them" It's not true. Maybe for some and I'll never know how many. But I know for a fact, that today, I am someone's reason they didn't commit suicide. Today they still have a life because I showed compassion regardless of money or sex.

I don't expect tips or believe that I am entitled to them. I accept that not everyone finds me attractive, funny, or entertaining. I believe in treating all users as real human beings regardless of money. Some of the kindest and most helpful people have never tipped me even once. They will always be welcome in my room. There are thousands of camsite users. It doesn't make a difference to me if some can't/don't want to tip.

There's always another day or another tipper interested. One day I won't be pretty anymore. One day I won't be able to cam. I'm trying to make the best of it while I can. I want to build my life and set my future.

What happens after camming? You going to work at Walmart or Mcdonalds? First, I don't view any job as a degrading job. The world needs all kinds of people to remain in balance. I'm an educated person with a beautiful resume and I'm not ashamed of my cam career. I have intentions to continue my education and all I want is to be happy. I don't live beyond my means and can easily afford my lifestyle with nearly any job.

Yes, I have a lot of nice things. My furniture is pretty but mostly purchased second-hand. I spent a month trading videos for giftcards to get my dream fridge which will last me a lifetime. I'm using the money I make right now to buy things that will last me forever. When camming is over, I have a head start. I'll already have a furnished home and never be in debt. I'm sorry that being financially responsible and making intelligent decisions is viewed as greedy.

I don't use people. I provide a legitimate service and accept whatever people are generous and kind enough to share. Thank you to my friends and my tippers for supporting me and allowing me to live a life where I can achieve all of my dreams and goals.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

A Little Birdy (The End. For now...)

Today, I'm sitting in the office of my new home writing this series of blogs. A home I will be sharing with Birdy and Manblaze for the next year. We did it! We made it through everything so far and will finally be together. I don't know what will happen, but I do know what I want.

I want her in my life. I need her in my life. I love her.

She's a part of who I am now. Love shouldn't be defined by possession. Love is infinite and I thank Manblaze for giving me a chance to share my love with another person. I thank him for being so open, honest, and understanding.

My relationship with Birdy isn't casual. It isn't hot lesbian sex, threesomes, double dongs, and scissoring. It's burying my face into the nape of her neck just to smell her hair.

Laying on the sofa watching Twitch streams just to hear her giggle.

Making sure the dish towel is neatly folded over the oven handle.

Having her fall asleep in my arms and not moving even if my arm is being crushed and just went numb.

She listens to me and I mean she REALLY listens to me. She doesn't just wait for it to be her turn to speak. I learn from her and we share ideas, dreams, goals, and thoughts. We support eachother and encourage success.

Today, I am 25 days away from being with my soulmate.

I love you Birdy.

A Little Birdy (pt. 4)

She left and I cried. She cried. The crying didn't stop for weeks. I asked her what we were. How do I define this thing we have? I told her how unbearable the thought of her with someone else was. She reassured me that she wanted to be with me.

I needed to see her again and we set up a date in August. She was more distant than she ever had been in those 30 days or so. It scared the shit out of me. I thought she was having second thoughts. It was so crazy. Three people in a functioning relationship? How was that going to work?

Any kind of relationship between her and Manblaze was pretty much non-existent. They were nothing more than "bros" sharing me it seemed. I knew that Birdy had fears of Manblaze getting hurt. She was afraid for him to think that she was stealing me away. It was scary to try and manage these new and foreign feelings for her in a way that did not affect my current relationship.

August came and I made up my mind to officially ask her to be my girlfriend. She said yes. We embraced the awkward trio we had became. Sometimes all three of us would hold hands and laugh at the people who stared. They couldn't figure it out. Who was with who? Maybe two lesbians and a friend? Once, a waiter thought Manblaze and Birdy were dating and that I was her friend.

The week passed by quickly as it had before. It was time to fly home and again I was bawling. We had tossed around the idea of her moving in with us. Nothing was official but it was very exciting!

Weeks into the official relationship, things changed for a little bit. Birdy was a bit different and something seemed wrong. I felt like she was putting distance between us and the more distance she put, the more I wanted her attention. But, she doesn't work like that so I swallowed my heart once again and suffered through it.

She got us tickets to see one of her favorite musicians in Chicago. We flew there in October, just her and I. It was the first trip alone with her. I was worried there wasn't a third person to make up for my awkward pauses in conversation. Again, I worried for no reason. It flowed so naturally.

The concert day came and we dolled ourselves up to leave the hotel. It was at the cutest little bar and so intimate. I watched her face light up as she squeezed my hand for her favorite parts. I leaned in to whisper, "thank you for sharing a part of who you are with me."

That was the breakthrough moment with her. It was like we realized we were one soul that had been separated. We had so much in common that we were actually able to finish eachothers thoughts. She opened up to me and I accepted her for everything she is and ever has been. I told her I wasn't going anywhere and that I only wanted to show her what happiness is.

We left Chicago, but this time there were no tears. I finally had peace. We had a future together and we both felt it in our hearts. We would begin planning the move within the next few months and I would see her again in January.

A Little Birdy (pt. 3)

It took me ages to get up the courage to go to her. I stood in the hallway outside of her door with my heart racing. I reached for the doorknob many times but never turned it open. I danced around and stomped my feet in nervousness. I ran back into our bedroom to tell Manblaze I couldn't do it. He urged me again to just try. So, I did. I pranced back into the hallway, grabbed the doorknob, shuffled inside, and closed it behind me. No turning back now.

I said, "Biiiiirdy?" She gave me a little sigh and "mhmm yeah?" So I crawled into her bed and said, "I'm going to regret this if I don't do it, I just want to hold you." She told me I was so cute and reciprocated my feelings and touch. We laid there for at least an hour just holding eachother and talking. I told her how much I cared about her and she asked me to stay the night in her room. I still didn't know what to expect, but I said yes.

I went back into my own bedroom to check on Manblaze and take my contacts out. He was passed out so I returned to her. My mind was going wild. I was alone in the dark and in bed with the most incredible woman I had ever met. I was imagining hot steamy scenes in my mind but my body and my heart said something different. They simply wanted to hold her.

In the morning I heard Manblaze stirring around the house. It was sooooo early. My heart instantly sank. We're so connected with eachother that I could feel something wasn't right. I gently left her bed to comfort him because I knew he was feeling something. I was right. He felt a little hurt and jealous. Kind of confused, but everything was ok. I took a shower and went back to bed with him in our room since it was so early.

When we all woke up later that day, Birdy and I finally started talking about when we should plan our show together. We agreed that the 14th would be the best day. That's when I looked at her and said, "that's tomorrow...if we're doing a show then we need to get over any awkward or shy feelings today." She agreed with me. So we planned a "romantic" dinner with grilled salmon, mushrooms, rice, salad, and wine.

After dinner we sat on the couch while sipping wine. My whole body was filled with warmth and happiness. Birdy decided that we should watch some comedy shows. As the night passed, I felt more comfortable and began to snuggle closer and closer. I put my hand on her stomach and then under her T-Shirt. Very slowly, I inched my fingers lower until I was right on top of her pelvic bone. I nuzzled her as she took my hand and pulled it lower with hers. I wasn't even drunk at this point but I felt so intoxicated by her. As I undressed her she pulled my face to hers and we kissed. One thing led to another you know and I can say waking up to her was the most beautiful experience of my life.

The next day we spent 5+ hours online camming. We did well and had a mind blowing experience. We each came twice but hers were always better. I loved how she became a puddle when I touched her. It was addicting. I couldn't stop myself if I had wanted to. I found any way I could to just touch her.

The next day was my 21st birthday. We had plans to go out to the stripclub. I think we actually woke up and had sex first thing in the morning. Some of the days have muddled together. The stripclub was awesome. We met the coolest girl and she gave us a private dance up on a balcony with champagne. She made out with Birdy and I and kissed and licked on our nipples. Good news, I didn't puke and kept my composure. My first legal drink was something that tasted like gummy worms. We had another passionate night together.

We spent the 16th laying around the house. It was our last day with her and everyone was sad. Manblaze left the house for awhile and it gave me a chance to connect with her one on one. I was scared because I didn't know what it was that we had togehter. I tried to define it but I couldn't. She cuddled in my arms for hours and it felt so right. I tried to tell her how I felt about all this. I have a boyfriend. How could I possibly have a girlfriend too?

She opened up about her past relationships and expressed interest in a non-conventional one. My biggest fear was that she would find someone else and forget I existed. I tried to express that possessive feeling towards her but it didn't come out right. That's not the right way to put it. The light conversation gave me hope that there was possibly more to come out of this.

We spent our last evening laying on the bed together and listening to music. We were being silly and she was being cuter than ever. She was finally letting her guard down. I had never seen her this happy before. But I was dreading what tomorrow was going to bring. Pain and sorrow. I didn't want her to go. I needed her and I was hoping she needed me too.

My feelings were becoming more than lust, more than friendship, and I wanted her to know. After another amazing night together, I finally told her. We were laying together, our bodies touching skin to skin. She was in my arms and I was playing with her hair. She looked into my eyes and I looked into hers. As she giggled, she turned away. I turned her face back to mine gently with my hand on her cheek and  said, "I love you." She squinted and smiled a little, then asked, "are you sure?" I told her yes. She said she wouldn't believe it if it was anyone else but she believed me.Then said, "I love you too."

A Little Birdy (pt. 2)

We filled the time in between the meet date with nervous banter and mild sexting. I was so worried that things wouldn't happen naturally. Birdy was always reassuring me that everything would be ok. We promised eachother that we would take the time to get to know one another before starting the show when she was here. The plan was to mostly enjoy our time together on a personal level but also have a performance on our website at some point.

As our meet date loomed closer, thoughts raced through my head. I didn't know what the boundaries were in this "relationship". Was she ok if my boyfriend was around us while camming? What if they don't get along? What if he wants to watch the show? I was beginning to feel the pressure of managing the feelings of two different people I cared about.

So the day finally came! We're sitting in the car at the airport waiting for her to walk out of the doors. My heart is racing and I'm panicking. I don't know what to expect for this week long journey. Then it happens. She walks out of the doors, straight for our car with her large suitcase in tow. There is no turning back now.

When she finally gets closer, we both get out to greet her with enthusiastic hugs. My biggest fear was that I would be so nervous that the whole trip would be miserable. I was so so so wrong. When we got into that car it felt like we had all been friends for years. There was some initial shy and awkward conversation, but nothing like I had assumed.

We spent the evening grabbing some sushi, watching silly movies, getting kinda drunk, and playing video games. Towards the end of the night we all laid on the floor watching a movie together. My boyfriend was the most drunk and kept awkwardly telling me to make a move. At one point he whispered to me that I should kiss her, but I wasn't feeling it yet. I was wanting to take it slow. We all turned in to bed for the night with no personal contact on the first day.

The second day we grabbed lunch and went to an aquarium store. It felt so natural again. There was this silly little fish that we all loved. He was yellow with blue spots and hiding in a hole. He had the goofiest look on his face and was so cute. After the aquarium we came back to our house and exchanged a few small gifts. Birdy got me Coach nail polish, a handmade bracelet, and some belly button rings. I had given her a bracelet with "Conquest!" engraved on it for her love of it in MMORPG we play together.

We all decided we needed to take a nap. She went into her room and we went into ours. An hour or so later I woke her up and eventually my boyfriend too. We spent the evening watching some TV series on Netflix, but Birdy became tired again. We all turned in for bed fairly early with no real personal contact. 

On the third day we decided to visit the zoo. It was so fucking hot outside and miserable, but we had a blast. Manblaze got the attention of some giraffes with a handful of grass. Birdy and I got to pet them as they came over. A crowd began to gather around us and we left our little spot. Walking back by again, a zookeeper started to yell at the others for being careless with the giraffes. Woops :)

We picked up Chinese for dinner along with loads of alcohol. Tonight was the night I had decided. I was going to make a move. I would have a full belly and plenty to drink. I was having a good time I knew it was going to turn into something more. It had to. I needed it to.

But the night flew by again and soon we were all heading to our separate rooms. I had so many chances to make a move that I never took. I was instantly regretting being so scared and shy. As I was laying in bed with Manblaze, I turned over and whispered to him that I felt like I fucked up. I needed to touch her and I wanted to burst into her room and hold her. So, he told me to do it and I did.

A Little Birdy (pt. 1)

After giving up on the idea of meeting another camgirl I could connect with, I met Birdylovesit by accident. I was browsing cams late one night on Chaturbate and clicked on her room. She didn't interest me much. She was really new and it was one of her first few nights online. Her cam was shitty and I wasn't impressed.

A day later I get a message from a close friend. "Hey, did you see that new girl Birdylovesit?" I told him yes, but her eyebrows were weird. A couple more friends started asking me about her. So the next few times she was online, I peeked in her room. Still wasn't impressed but she was cute and definitely interesting. 

I tipped her 50 tokens to tell her that I liked her hair. The room exploded. BLAZE IS HERE. OMG BIRDY. BLAZE IS HERE. She didn't know who I was. One of her mods explained that I was another model. She started an app to do a password show. I bought a ticket. Normally I don't like cam shows, but hers was different. It was feeling fapworthy. Let the record show that I did not fap although it was very very hot. 

The next time I was online she came into my room and tipped me. Like a lot. We started the usual flirty banter back and forth in eachother's rooms. People started begging us to do a show together but neither one of us had brought it up to the other. Whatever happened, I wanted it to happen naturally. 

One night after one of her shows she asked me to stay and send her a PM. We talked for quite awhile and she finally asked me if I would be interested in doing a show with her. She was nervous about my boyfriend not being ok with it, but there was a special place in his heart for Birdy. She was different from the other girls and he wanted me to do what made me happy. So I said yes and we exchanged numbers.

We didn't plan a date because I was in the middle of updating my house. I told her that once I finished the carpet installation she could come visit. 

Then I found out she was a gamer like me. I invited her to hang out in Teamspeak with us one night. I didn't think she would show up but she did and I was so nervous. We started playing an MMORPG together called Rift. Some nights we would hang out in a separate channel alone together for hours. We talked about love, our dreams, space, and time. 

She was so incredibly intelligent and gorgeous. Her only flaw was being so timid. Even though we were so close, I never felt like I could actually reach her. She guarded herself so carefully. Never fully opening up to me and always keeping me an arm's length away.

I finally scheduled carpet installation and we set a date to meet for July 10th.

My Sexuality

When I was younger, I only had two very close best friends. I had a really hard time managing my feelings in these friendships. I would constantly find myself irrationally jealous of the boys they were dating. Those boys were never good enough for them. They could never love them like I did. I can remember coming home and just crying in my mom's arms. I tried to explain what I was feeling but it didn't make any sense.

I grew up in a very small bible belt town. I didn't even know that gay people existed.

I was attracted to them and often pondered the idea of what it would be like to be with another girl. I told one of them that I was curious about girl/girl sex and would like to try it at least once. She was horrified and thought it was disgusting. It left me feeling like a freak and ashamed. 

When I started watching porn I would only watch g/g scenes. I was absolutely repulsed by m/f scenes. I was dating my current boyfriend and it left me feeling extremely confused. Maybe I'm gay? Maybe I don't even like guys. 

Some time passed and I found camming. My friendships fell apart because our lives started moving in opposite directions. One moved away and the other was madly in love with an asshole. She was religious and we fought about what I had chosen to do. I started looking to replace those bonds with the girls I met online.

I entertained the idea that I would get together for a cam show with another girl and we would become best friends. I started talking to a few and really connected with one in particular. We agreed to meet up for a few days and do a show together. It would be both our first g/g experience.  

The meeting wasn't how I had hoped it would be. I don't think it was for her either. Something was just missing. There were no sparks. There were no emotions. It was awkward and forced. I hadn't had any time to get to know her before we were naked and making out. 

That's just not who I am. I'm a very timid person and it takes me awhile to warm up. Being physically intimate is a part of me that I only share with people I love and trust. Nothing about this meeting felt right to me. It was nothing against the other model, it was just too forced. I went home and cried. I had all these hopes that being with another girl would finally give me peace. I would finally know what my sexuality was. If anything, it led me to believe that I wasn't interested in women at all. 

A few months went by and I met another model who was very different from the first. I was hesitant to get close because of how the first experience left me feeling. She was so confident though and had been with girls before. She was in a relationship and our boyfriends seemed to get along well. If everything went right, it could be the awesome forever-friendship I was searching for. 

But it didn't go right. It went wrong and very wrong. Three days before we were supposed to meet, she was fucked up on cam with some other girl. I had no idea who the other girl was and she had never told me that she was planning a show. Apparently it was a stripper they had met at a gas station. I thought we were really good friends and couldn't believe she would do that to me. We didn't meet. 

Weeks of drama turned into months of drama with this girl. Every day it was something new. Her boyfriend was leaving her, then they were back together, and then all three of them together etc. Then she was on cam with a different girl. I was always being left in the dark or lied to. I deleted them from my life. I removed their phone numbers, IMs, and started ignoring it all. 

My boyfriend had been really supportive of me wanting to do cam shows with others girls. He understood that I was attracted to women. He knew it wasn't about the money or anything else. He knew something was missing and I needed to find out what it was. But finally he said he wanted me to stop. No more camgirl crushes because it was tearing me apart. 

Until I met Birdy... Protection